I apologize for the delay in posting to the blog, but I was working on an entry and just couldn’t find a way to do it all in one shot. Instead of doing one huge entry, I tried to compress it, but found that wasn’t really the right way to go either. In the end I decided to break it up into more manageable parts. So welcome to my first three part series entitled Mathematics of Parenting,
There are so many joys of being a parent. The first time they say Daddy, Mommy or, my personal favorite, “I did it”. Their first steps is a good one. Not to mention, the first unsolicited hug. And don’t forget the first time they manage to get the majority of the spoons contents into their mouths. Parenting is a series of unique and amazing events that almost make up for the fact that for three years of your adult life you’re forced to clean the most file stuff from someone else’s rear-end.
On the advice of my wife, who in many ways is much smarter than me, I will not go into any of the actual details surrounding this disgusting duty [Ha Ha a pun…what…oh. on the advice of my wife, that will be the last pun for this blog entry]
No, I’m not here to gross you out. I will not relay the horrors that my eyes have seen. The things that make you questions what you learned in biology, some of that stuff is unholy let alone unhealthy. Instead, I’m going to talk about math. You see, I’m the type of guy that likes to quantify things. I like knowing that if there is a problem, there is a logical solution to that problem. That’s just how my mind works. If something can’t be measured, I generally try to avoid it. That’s probably why I don’t enjoy musicals. I just can’t get into them. The notion that, in the face of danger or adversity, the best solution is a catchy tune and highly choreographed dance number is simply beyond my though process. I’m pretty sure my wife resents this deficit.
But I digress…
Assume that the average diaper weighs 1.5 pounds. I think anyone with a child under the age of three will agree I’m probably under estimating. Most of the research I have done has suggested that you should change you child’s diaper between 6 and 8 times daily. For the sake of this argument, let’s go with 7. My lil girl has been alive for 655 days [but who’s counting]. So we have…
1.5lbs X 7 diapers/day X 655 days= 6877.5 pounds.
But that’s just a number. It’s difficult to really understand what that is. Let me help put that in context. What else weighs 6877.5? The answer…are you ready…
A 2009 Ford F-150 single cab truck.
Holy Crap [Ha Ha a Pun! last one I promise] that’s a lot of poo. And I handled it. Yet there is no haz mat suites for parents. I’ve look, the diaper genie has no WHMIS identification. I went through no training, no warnings, no counseling. Nothing. I did go through pre-natal classes along with my wife, but they never covered the shear mass of what was coming. The hospital just gave me this cute little 7 pound baby and sent me on my way, Which I can kind of understand, cause if someone did tell me what was in store I might have tried to back out.
I sincerely apologize if I have grossed you out. Stay tune for the next series…Feeding. Perhaps I should have started with that one.
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