OMG! I am so sorry!

So I was playing with Zach on the floor the other day. Although I wouldn’t really call what we were doing “play”. Perhaps “Trying to control his spastic movements and hopefully avoid an acquired brain injury” would be more appropriate. He’s 7 months old and at that age all his motor skills are at the same level of your university dorm mate when he was really, really drunk. You know the guy…hell, if you’re like me, you probably were that guy.

At any rate, during our play time Zach scratched my face while he was widely swinging his arms. My 1^st thought was “Holy cow kid. Your nails are getting pretty long there, buddy”. It was like having my own little Logan hacking and slashing his way around my face and neck. If you don’t get that reference, you need to read more comic books. My second thought was “hey, remember that time you horribly maimed and mutilated Abby?”

As a new dad, there are certain jobs that naturally fall under your responsibility. Some of these responsibilities are pretty low risk. Taking out the garbage, monster removal and working the DVD are pretty good examples. However, some of these jobs are high risk to both baby and you. For example, cutting finger nails.

To start, how did this become my responsibility? My sister use to date this meterosexual fella. He was a hipster douchebag before being a hipster douchebag was so mainstream. The 1^st time we met he told me that he gets a manicure once every two weeks. My response? “The fact that you are comfortable telling me that tells me we will have nothing in common.”

A man’s finger nails are meant to be dirty, chipped and broken.

But so it goes. One day I found myself with a pair of nail clippers and the wee tiny hands of my first born. I flatten her fingers as tenderly as I possible can so I can make sure I am clipping nail and only nail. Slip the clippers under the nail and ever so gingerly, ever so tenderly ,take the tip of my daughters index finger clean off. Not even close. Not even close.

My inner voice then went something like this;

“Shit, maybe it’s not so bad.”

“Man, that’s a lot of blood from such a tiny finger.”

“maybe she won’t notice.”

-child screaming-

“Nope, no luck there.”

-mother comes running down the stairs-

“Great!”

Les screamed at me “Oh My God!  What did you do?” What could I say? I looked at my wife and responded with “I took her finger clean off.”

In retrospect, I probably should have said “the next statement is not factual, but, instead, a humorous use of exaggeration to help alleviate what will otherwise be an awkward and uncomfortable new experience for both of us” before I said “I took her finger clean off.” Oh well, live and learn I suppose.

The fact is as a new dad you’re gonna screw up, a lot. Most of these screw ups will be the humorous kind where you mistakenly use diaper cream as moisturizer or put the onesie on in such a way so that both legs come out of the same hole. But some of them are going to make you fell really, really bad.

Learn from them, don’t do them again. And when you child comes to you and ask why one of her fingers is shorter then the other you reply with “genetics I guess”.