There comes a time in ever parents life when they go from rookie parents to full fledge paretning veterns. This is commonly refered to amongst parents as "What's the friggin number for Poison Control". Mine came not to long ago, today actually. Lemmie tell you about it...

We have recently transition Abby from her crid to her first "Big girl" bed. This transistion has so far been about as smooth as the transition of power that is currently going on in Egypt. So not good. I'm not saying there has been gunfire, but there has been some bloodshed.

Are you ready to be a Parent

I feel bad for not posting more. We are still waiting on our new computer to come. Apparently, Dell has shipped the monitor, but has decided to let us enjoy it for a few days before shipping the actual computer. This is nice...now I get to do my best to keep Abby from opening a mysterious box that was brought from god knows where. That should be easy enough.

Like I said I feel bad, so I plagiarized this from the net to give you all something to read and hopefully renew your faith that adventures of dad is still doing all the dad things that he loves/hates to do. As soon as we get a computer, I'll write. I promise.

Hmm...seems like my relationship with you is very similar to my relationship with my mother...weird.

Anyway, here it is, fresh from my copy and paste...


HOW TO KNOW WHETHER OR NOT YOU ARE READY TO HAVE A BABY

MESS TEST

Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Now rub your hands in
the wet flower bed and rub on the walls.

Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.

Obtain a 55-gallon box of Legos. (If Legos are not available, you may
substitute roofing tacks or broken bottles.) Have a friend spread them
all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or
kitchen. Do not scream (this could wake a child at night).

GROCERY STORE TEST

Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with
you as you shop at the grocery store. Always keep them in sight and
pay for anything they eat or damage.

DRESSING TEST

Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag
making sure that all arms stay inside.

FEEDING TEST

Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from
the ceiling with a stout cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert
spoonfuls of soggy cereal (such as Fruit Loops or Cheerios) into the
mouth of the jug while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the
contents of the jug on the floor.

NIGHT TEST

Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8 to 12 pounds
of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 8:00 PM begin to waltz and
hum with the bag until 9:00 PM. Lay down your bag and set your alarm
for 10:00 PM.Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have
ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00
AM.  Set alarm for 5:00 AM. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up
for 5 years. Look cheerful.

PHYSICAL TEST

Obtain a large bean-bag chair and attach it to the front of your
clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10% of the beans.

Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.

FINAL ASSIGNMENT

Find a couple who already have a small child. Lecture them on how they
can improve their child's discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet
training, and table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve.
Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run
wild.

Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the
answers.

Computer is Down

For all of those who might be wondering where I have gone, no need to worry. I’m not dead, my computer is though.

I’ll write more as soon as I have reliable access.

Thanks for reading…

And if you have a blog idea, let me know.

Top Ten things I learned on my trip to Bermuda

My apologies for taking so long to write this blog, however, upon our return from our vacation in Bermuda, we spent about a week trying to catch up on things like work, family, etc. I hope you understand. We had a great time in Bermuda and I highly recommend it to anyone planning a trip. During our trip I kept my eyes open for good blog post ideas. However, there were simply too many. So Instead, I made a top ten, I hope you enjoy.

Here we go...

1)

The rat maze at the airport check-in is the prefect hight for toddlers to run under. Mid-30’s parents, not so much. There you stand with your passport, pre-printed boarding pass and a pile of luggage so high that even Paris Hilton would say “Damn, that’s a lot luggage”. You and your wife and trying to figure out kilos to pounds to make sure you’re not overweight …is it 1.8 pounds to a kilo or 2.2? Wait my phone has a calculator.

You let go of the kids hand for a second and Zoom! Zero to “Get back here this instant” in 0.6 seconds. She’s off in a straight line, but not you. Nope you get to run three feet, turn right, run three feet, turn left, run three feet, turn right again. You get the idea. If you’re going to have a system designed to keep people in order, make sure it considers all people. Even little ones.

2)

 Airport play areas are where toys come to die. It’s nice that the designers though of place to keep children entertained while you wait for your flight, but geez, this is just sad. A Lego table with no Legos, a doll house with 1 table and chair with only three legs and two toy ducks. My God, it’s like Tim Burton designed the place. Having said that, it kept the little one quiet for ten minutes, so thank you.

3) That little pouch on the back of Airplane seats are meant for the following:

·         Vomit bags

·         Safety brochure

·         The Sky mall catalogue

·         That stupid airline magazine that no one reads

·         Nothing else

Anything else you put in there will be forgotten. Then you have to go around Bermuda trying to find a copy of “The Mickey Mouse Club’s Big Pop-up Adventure”, while your beautiful, loving child cries “My Book, My book”.

4) There is no such thing as too many teddy bears.

Corollary of number 4:

All souvenir stores put their most expensive teddy bears at toddler level right in front of the store. Seriously, 30 Bucks for a teddy bear with a shirt that says “I survived the Bermuda Triangle”? Why is the $5.00 bear way up on the shelf? You ever try to take a teddy bear from a child. It’s the saddest thing you’ll ever do. One the plus side, Abby now has a $30.00 teddy bear with a shirt that says “I survived the Bermuda Triangle”.

5) Children do not understand the terms “Later”, “In a minute” or “Hold on a sec”.

6) Children Freaking LOVE Dolphins. End of sentence.

7) The statistical possibility of your child vomiting is a derivative of how many people are around divided by the distance in feet from any safe vomit zone. If no one is around and your child is in front of a toilet, nothing. If you’re way at the back of a bus loaded with people, Exorcist.

            Corollary of number 7:

Hockey Jerseys absorb vomit surprisingly well.

8) If your child suffers a boo-boo early on in the trip, ever subsequent, cut, scrape or bruise will happen within a three inch square of the original boo-boo. No one does this except children. When an adult gets a scrap on their the knee, the thought process is “Well, better be careful of that knee” When a child gets a scrap on their knee, the thought process is something like “Wow, that hurt, but I will continue to do those very same things and actions that lead to this injury”. As I’ve said before, children are stupid. If you hurt yourself running around a bunch of jagged rocks, STOP RUNNING AROUND JAGGED ROCKS!

9) You can remove blood from your nice Egyptian cotton button up shirt with an ice cube.

10) Flight Attendants Freaking LOVE sleeping children. Seriously, I’ve never had better service in my life. And I flew 1^st class once. Along time ago before I had children and could afford it…