Fatherhood: A Meme

I've seen a lot of the "What my so-and-so thinks I do" going around the Internet and thought I would take a stab at my own. Please keep in mind, this is my 1st meme, so be kind. If you like it please feel free to share.

A man’s house is his…childrens playroom

As you may already know, my grandfather was the greatest man I have ever known. That guy was all sorts of awesome. His home was his castle. He had this lazy boy chair that everyone knew was his and his alone. You could sit in it, no worries; Pop was a man, not an A-hole. But when he got home, you got up. That’s just the way it was.

I’ve modeled a great deal of my existence on his example. So from time to time I find myself asking, what the hell happened to me?
I bought a house. I got myself a nice chair and a rug that really tied the whole thing together nicely. Things were good.

Then Abby came along. The chair got moved out as we needed the space. I didn’t mind. Once Abby started walking we had to replace the rug with padded mats. Apparently, she could really have hurt herself if she fell on the floor. I didn’t mind. I mean she was only going to be a danger to herself for a while, right?

Then Zach came along. And long story short, I’ve been living in a preschool play room for the past three years. Now, I tend to use exaggeration as a comedic device. And I think you would agree, I’m pretty freaking funny. However, this is not the case this time. I found some pics of our house the day the deal went through and it was all ours. I thought it would be interesting to do a little before and after comparison.

before

The 1st thing I said when I saw the main floor living room was something along the lines "Holy Frig! A three sided Fireplace. LES GET IN HERE, THERE'S A THREE SIDED FIREPLACE! So sweet...I'm getting a bearskin rug"

And now...

after

"Holy Frig! There's a three sided fireplace in here somewhere" My god man, it's ridiculous. The really sad part of this picture is the fact that this is taken AFTER we cleaned up.

Go ahead, laugh it up. Either you have kids and you know this to be true or you don't have kids and...well, screw you, that's what.

before

Oh look! What a lovely, clean kitchen. Nice appliances. Clean lines.

Yeah, well guess what.

after

Boom! That’s what. Look at the fridge for god's sake. LOOK AT IT! Covered in photos and crappy kids’ art. The stove is piled high with pots and pans and the front of the  stove is reserved for bibs. I tried to put a pic of my wife in the kitchen, but she didn't appreciate the 6 "Make me a sandwich" jokes I had written. Woman! Am I right, fellas?

before

MAKE ME A SANDWHICH...nah, not the same. Here's Les in the dining room. Nice, right? Plenty of room for entertaining over dinner and drinks with your best couple friends.

after

Nope! Here's a fun game, let's count the chairs in this room. There's the high chair, that's one. Numbers two and three right up front. Abby is sitting in number four. My wife's purse is over there on number five and there's number six over in the corner. Now let's count the chairs that can actually be used for sitting. There's the high chair and, looks like that's it.

before

Ahh, the tub. Do you see those jets there, yeah those are for Les. I was downstairs still amazed with the three-sided fireplace when I hear "DAN, GET UP HERE, THERE'S A WHILRPOOL TUB UP HERE!"

And now.

after

Bath time has never been more fun, nor has shower time been more treacherous. Look at all those cute, plush slip hazards. And this is after "Abby put your toys away". It's dangerous enough in the shower with the soapy tub and water spraying every which way. Did you know that there are over 200,000 deaths in North America annually that are directly caused by slips in the bathtub and bathroom? Now imagine that same danger while hopping on one foot because your other foot is bleeding from that damn Mickey Mouse Water Clubhouse with additional Water Works Mickey with the surfboard accessory. I hate that mouse so much.

before

The stairs. Look at the quality craftsmanship. Look at the fine woodwork on the rails and banister. Sweet stuff, my friend

after

What did you expect, they're stairs. There's really not much you can do. Having said that, please take note of the runner. We had that installed after the 3rd or 4th time Abby took a header and after the 1st time my loving wife slipped down the stairs while holding Abby. Still, it was a good quality job, so I'm not complaining about that.

What I am complaining about is the fact that in the whole house, I have no space to call my own. My wife has the bathroom [make up and all], so it's not like she's scoring here either. The kids have the rest of the house. I might have 5 square feet to use from time. It's in the garage, next to the garbage can. But that's only when the car isn't there, and it's not a recycling day, and Abby or Zach don't need it. How the hell did this happen. They don't even pay rent.