A list of kid shows and my basic problem with each of them.

My mornings use to be routine. Wake up, get coffee watch sports center. To be honest, not much has changed. I still wake up and get coffee. Although now I have to get my daughter up as well and make sure she gets breakfast. The biggest difference really is instead if watching Jay and Dan on TSN, I now watch Max and Ruby. I’ve been doing this routine for about 18 months now and I’ve gotten to know the program schedule of both Treehouse and Disney Playhouse pretty well. And regardless of my fear of being sued, I have some notes I’d like to share. Warning: unless you have a child under five, none of this will make any sense to you.

To start…

Max and Ruby: Man I hate this show. If I was Max I would smack that controlling little snot Ruby right in the lips. What is her problem? Every time Max wants to do something, she has got to start raining on his parade. Pirates! No max, it’s song time. Fire truck! No max, I’m practicing ballet. Race Car! No Max, we’re baking cookies for grandma. Max, grow a pair and tell Ruby where to go.

And where the hell are their parents?! Here we got two kids, ones like 8 and the other is 4 and they live in this huge house and the only adult involved in their life on a daily basis is grandma. I tell ya, the child welfare state has really failed these two kids.

Caillou: Never mind the fact that Caillou is a whinny little brat. Never mind the fact that his parents are most likely communist hippies. Never mind the fact that the cat is the weirdest looking freak of nature I’ve ever laid eyes on. No the real issue here is that Caillou is 4 years old and doesn’t have a lick of hair on his head. What’s the deal with this? It can’t be hereditary. Mom, Dad and baby sis all have full luxurious heads of hair. Caillou …nothing. Is he sick or something?  The issue is never touched in the storylines. It’s always, Caillou learns to put on his shoe or Caillou learns to share. What about the episode where Caillou learns to apply sun block to his freakishly bald head? What about the episode where Caillou parents finally get a diagnosis?

Four Square: Stab. Me. In. The. Eye. I honestly don’t know what’s worst, those damn quote unquote poems or being forced to advert my eyes from captain Hup’s man bulge. He has to be stuffing that thing.

Handy Manny: Seriously, is this guy licensed to these jobs? What kind of guy has certification to work on plumbing, electrical and structural? How much does he charge per hour? I’ve worked in the trades and no job is that easy. And have you noticed that Manny doesn’t actually do any of the work. The tools do everything. They should get ride of Manny and keep all the money for themselves. Tools of sheetrock falls unite! You have only your chains to lose.

Yo Gabba Gabba: Yo Gabba What the hell is this carcarsh!? Looks like anyone with a Casio keyboard, an Atari 2600 and a crap load of acid can get show on Treehouse.

Big and Small. I kind of like this one actually.

I could go on. I’ve seen them all. And I hate them all. The thing I hate most about all of them is the fact that every so often, not often, but every so often, I find myself getting into the storyline. Stupid kids shows and their damn catchy tunes. Hot Dog, Hot Dog, Hot Diggity Dog.