Another top ten

TOP TEN words and phrases I've used since becoming a dad and a brief explanation of each.

10) We don’t poke people in the eye.

            You would think that anyone that has eyes would understand how sensitive they can be. But, you would be wrong. In the two and half years I’ve been a dad, I’ve had my eyes stabbed with thumbs, fingers, spoons, a thermometer, a toy whistle, a toe and a butter knife. I’m not kidding. I’ve been stabbed in the eye with a knife by my own daughter. If she was 16 we’d be in family court right now, but because she’s two, it’s all “ahhh…she’s developing motor skills”. By the way, in the six months that Zach has been alive he’s received the same treatment.

Well, maybe not the butter knife. We keep those in a different drawer now a days

9) Don't put that in your mouth.

            I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Kids are stupid. The four day old cheerio they found under the couch I can understand. But rocks! C’mon man, a rock. It doesn’t even look like food. And they never go to eat whatever-the-hell-it-is when they are close by you so you have a chance to stop it. No, they’re always on the other side of the room or a solid 15 feet away. You look over and see them bend over, pick something up, look at it for a second. You realize what’s about to happen, reach your hands out and scream “Don’t put that in your mou…” and gulp there it goes. Next thing you know, you have your child in your arms trying to pry their mouth open screaming “spit it out, spit it out”. I believe narcotic officers go through this exact same routine on a regular basis as well.

8) Where's your other sock/shoe/mitten/etc

            Seriously, I just gave it to you. What could you have possibly done with it. What do you mean you don’t know?

            On a side note, I have solved the problem of what to do with the worlds nuclear waste material. Mold it into the shape of a pair of size 8 toddler Velcro shoes. Put them on any child under the age of five and turn around for five seconds. Bam! Half of the world’s nuclear waste gone just like that.

7) What the hell happened here?!

            If you are about to become a parent, let me save you some time. Take every nice thing that you own and through it in the middle of the floor. Now vomit all over it. Then, take the breakable things out and step on them. Remove all the knobs and throw them away. You won’t need them any more. Take all the non-breakable things (ie clothing, books, etc) and vomit on them again.

6) What, what, what?! For the love of god what?!

            There is nothing that will make you regret a hangover like the little pitter patter of feet up to the side of your bed followed by “Daddy, Daddy, Daddy, Daddy, Daddy, Daddy, Daddy” Persistence, thy name is a toddler who wants a bowl of cheerios.

5) I’m gonna count to three...1...2....2 and a bit...

            If you ask me, counting to three is a pointless game. Either you pull the trigger right at three and feel like a complete and total ass when you realize that if you had just given a little more time they would have acted on your directions perfectly. Or, you continue to count smaller and smaller increments. Never reaching 3 in some sick version of Zeno’s Paradox. “2 and an insty bit…2 and a tinee tiny bit…2 and a wincy bitsy bit”

4) No, no daddy do...daddy’s in a rush.

            See my earlier post. If you have a solution, please leave a comment. I got nothing.

3) Fine! Here, have the damn Cheerios!

            What is with kids and cheerios? Seriously, cause I need to know. I have never liked a food so much that I needed to have it for every meal and snack. And if they don’t get it, they go absolutely bat shit crazy. Down they go to the floor, they start kicking and screaming “Me want, me want”. Tears start flowing and they start running around the room and for what? Whole grain oats, corn starch and sugar, that’s what. Crack addicts handle disappointment better than this.

            New Parent Tip: start buying cheerios in bulk.

2) OMG what did you just do...seriously...what’s wrong with you...why would you do that...

            Every so often, not often, but once in a while, your child will do something that defies all logic and reason. Putting a grilled cheese sandwich in the Blue Ray or smearing a whole jar of diaper rash cream all over themselves, the bed and the walls are a couple of examples. I have no idea why kids do this, but I believe it has something to with the fact that they secretly resent us and want us to suffer.

1) What a day hey honey? I'm getting a beer, you want one?

            This is one is self explanatory.