Well that sucked...

Abby has pink eye. I am pretty sure they call it “pink eye” to gloss over the fact that your child’s left eyeball is basically vomiting this soft green stuff that hardens into darker green stuff. Seriously, it’s all

“OH MY GOD WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH HER EYE?!”

“Oh, it’s pink eye”

“Ahh…pink eye, so cute…”

Anyway, I got a call from my wife, who got a call from day care. Long story short, I missed a half a day of work and Abby got pink eye.

Side note: If you want to get out of a meeting, just claim your child has pink eye. It was amazing... I don’t know what your place of work is like, but if I want a day off I have to fill out multiple forms in triplicate. When I said Abby got pink eye, I was almost pushed out the door by my immediate supervisor.

So, as you can probably guess by the title of my blog post, I plan to discuss something unpleasant about pink eye. However, if you thought this blog post was about the actual condition of pink eye, you’d be wrong.

Instead, I’d like to talk about modern torture techniques. Specifically, water boarding.

I watched a Fox News special once, where the reporter planned to dispel the confusion surrounding water boarding, by actually undergoing a session. It was typical Fox News over dramatic filler. They had these two guys wearing hoods, strap the reporter to a board and then tip him so that his head was below his legs. Hooded guy one asks if the reporter was ready and the reporter makes this big production of psyching himself up. He looks at the camera and says something to the effect of “my goal is two minutes”. Hooded guy two pours a little bit of water on the reporter. The reporter starts screaming like a little girl. I’m watching this at home going “what the hell happened to two minutes, buddy.”

I tell this little story for a reason. To let you know that I am now emotionally and psychologically hardened enough to water board anyone of you with little to no emotion.

How can you be so cruel? You may ask. Where’s you compassion? Where’s your empathy for others? What happened to make you so cruel?

The answer: I gave my daughter eye drops. Two in each eye, three times a day for five days, to be exact. And it sucked. Balls.

The first time you do it, it’s not so bad. She has no idea what’s going on. She lies down on the bed and you put your hand on her head in the loving manner that only a father can. you put your face close to her ear and whisper “Look up honey, look way up” and she does because she loves and trusts you. Then BAM, you squirt her in the eye. Done. The second one is not so easy. She starts crying “No daddy, I don’t want it” and starts thrashing her arms and legs around. So now you have to pin her arms down with your body so she can’t move. She squints her eyes shut so hard that your only option is to pry her eyes open. I was a Beethoven’s Fifth away from a scene out of Clockwork Orange. She’s screaming “NO DADDY, NO DADDY, NO DADDY” and crying to break her heart, which does more to yours than you’ll ever know. Finally you manage to get the two drops in her eye and you release her and she runs to the only safe place she has left… her mom.

That’s right, not you, not daddy. Mom! It used to be you who protected her from evil. Now you are evil. And there’s nothing you can do about it, cause in 4 hours time you’re going to do this whole thing over again. You know it, she knows it and it sucks. Balls.

So, if you ever get arrested by the government and are sent to a dark room for an “interrogation”, you better hope I don’t walk through those doors. Cause if the screams of my little baby-girl didn’t stop me…