Top Ten things I learned on my trip to Bermuda

My apologies for taking so long to write this blog, however, upon our return from our vacation in Bermuda, we spent about a week trying to catch up on things like work, family, etc. I hope you understand. We had a great time in Bermuda and I highly recommend it to anyone planning a trip. During our trip I kept my eyes open for good blog post ideas. However, there were simply too many. So Instead, I made a top ten, I hope you enjoy.

Here we go...

1)

The rat maze at the airport check-in is the prefect hight for toddlers to run under. Mid-30’s parents, not so much. There you stand with your passport, pre-printed boarding pass and a pile of luggage so high that even Paris Hilton would say “Damn, that’s a lot luggage”. You and your wife and trying to figure out kilos to pounds to make sure you’re not overweight …is it 1.8 pounds to a kilo or 2.2? Wait my phone has a calculator.

You let go of the kids hand for a second and Zoom! Zero to “Get back here this instant” in 0.6 seconds. She’s off in a straight line, but not you. Nope you get to run three feet, turn right, run three feet, turn left, run three feet, turn right again. You get the idea. If you’re going to have a system designed to keep people in order, make sure it considers all people. Even little ones.

2)

 Airport play areas are where toys come to die. It’s nice that the designers though of place to keep children entertained while you wait for your flight, but geez, this is just sad. A Lego table with no Legos, a doll house with 1 table and chair with only three legs and two toy ducks. My God, it’s like Tim Burton designed the place. Having said that, it kept the little one quiet for ten minutes, so thank you.

3) That little pouch on the back of Airplane seats are meant for the following:

·         Vomit bags

·         Safety brochure

·         The Sky mall catalogue

·         That stupid airline magazine that no one reads

·         Nothing else

Anything else you put in there will be forgotten. Then you have to go around Bermuda trying to find a copy of “The Mickey Mouse Club’s Big Pop-up Adventure”, while your beautiful, loving child cries “My Book, My book”.

4) There is no such thing as too many teddy bears.

Corollary of number 4:

All souvenir stores put their most expensive teddy bears at toddler level right in front of the store. Seriously, 30 Bucks for a teddy bear with a shirt that says “I survived the Bermuda Triangle”? Why is the $5.00 bear way up on the shelf? You ever try to take a teddy bear from a child. It’s the saddest thing you’ll ever do. One the plus side, Abby now has a $30.00 teddy bear with a shirt that says “I survived the Bermuda Triangle”.

5) Children do not understand the terms “Later”, “In a minute” or “Hold on a sec”.

6) Children Freaking LOVE Dolphins. End of sentence.

7) The statistical possibility of your child vomiting is a derivative of how many people are around divided by the distance in feet from any safe vomit zone. If no one is around and your child is in front of a toilet, nothing. If you’re way at the back of a bus loaded with people, Exorcist.

            Corollary of number 7:

Hockey Jerseys absorb vomit surprisingly well.

8) If your child suffers a boo-boo early on in the trip, ever subsequent, cut, scrape or bruise will happen within a three inch square of the original boo-boo. No one does this except children. When an adult gets a scrap on their the knee, the thought process is “Well, better be careful of that knee” When a child gets a scrap on their knee, the thought process is something like “Wow, that hurt, but I will continue to do those very same things and actions that lead to this injury”. As I’ve said before, children are stupid. If you hurt yourself running around a bunch of jagged rocks, STOP RUNNING AROUND JAGGED ROCKS!

9) You can remove blood from your nice Egyptian cotton button up shirt with an ice cube.

10) Flight Attendants Freaking LOVE sleeping children. Seriously, I’ve never had better service in my life. And I flew 1^st class once. Along time ago before I had children and could afford it…