Child Safety; a Conspiracy Theory.

A couple of days ago my wife told me that we might need to purchase a new car seat. Seeing as these things can sometimes cost more than the actual car, I asked why. Apparently, the Canadian government has changed the safety standards on these things to make them safer. My response of “So…” didn’t go over well. My child’s safety and the safety of all children is not something you can put a price on…apparently.

Now before you get all huffy at me. I’m not a bad person. I understand that as a child of almost two years, Abby is very stupid and she is going to do stupid things like grab knifes by the shiny part or stick forks in those funny looking slots in the wall. I understand that as her dad, it’s my job to ensure that her environment is as safe as possible to give her as good a shot as possible of seeing her sweet 16 with all her fingers and toes. However, I do have to ask…what happened?

Why is it that the car seat we spent good money on just a 2 year ago is now deemed to be so unsafe that we have to get another one? The car seat hasn’t changed. The car hasn’t changed. The road conditions haven’t changed. Same bunch of Not-Looking-Before-Making-Lane-Change idiots that was there before…maybe a few more, but isn’t that why we all took that defensive driving course?

I racked my brains trying to think of the reason why I had to buy a $300.00 car seat to replace the $275.00 car seat I bought just two years ago [damn inflation]. I just didn’t and don’t get it.  My wife recently suggested it might be because car seats have expiry dates. That can’t be it though. Expiry dates?! Seriously?! Is the thing made out of yogurt!? It’s not organic certified. It makes no sense to even suggest it.

The only thing I can figure is that we, as a society, have been made so paranoid with regards to safety that manufactures can buy of politicians to change these safety standards and we just kind of go along with it.  Every two years, a new set of standards. Every two years, a new ready-to-go revenue stream.

Like I said, it’s a conspiracy theory…

Before you start yelling at me about lead paint in toys manufactured in china and/or children slipping between crib rails, I want you to know that I take my child’s safety very seriously. She’s the most important thing in my life and I don’t want anything to ever happen to her.

Having said that…

Do you remember lawn darts? I do. They were friggin’ sweet. 6 huge darts with cheap plastic flights slightly dull lead tips that you could file down to surgical sharpness. They came with two colorful hoops that we never used. Instead we use to play a game where one kid stands about 20 feet away from the other. Then you start firing these flying scalpels at each other. If you moved or got hit, you lost. I doubt that would ever get approved now a days.

I was given my first pocket knife at the age of 7. It was one of those cheap plastic encased piece of craps. The plastic was made to look like ivory carved with a horse and wagon running across a western wilderness. It was the best thing I ever had. Until my stupid brother almost lost his finger while I was showing him a way cool trick.  

I have distinct memories of going to the dump with my father in his Ford F150. I remember standing on the seat with my hands on the dash trying to see if I could touch my nose to the windshield. Car seats!? Pft…Those were good times.

Sometime it feels like we’re just two pieces of legislation away from packing our kids in bubble wrap until they reach 80 pounds or 60 inches, which ever comes first. Course, I did know a kid named Billy who actually shot his eye with a bb gun. And I do have a scar across my scalp where I got hit by an ax beating up an ant hill. My brother’s finger still doesn’t look quite right.

In fact, looking back, it’s a friggin’ wonder I’m still alive. There’s a conspiracy theory for you.